What Never Was (And What Never Will Be)
by Imperialis
Summary: What do you do when you're in love with you're best friend but he's engaged to be married to your sister? -One sided love, mentions of Suzaku x Euphemia and Rivalz x Shirley. Rated M for triggering subjects; read at your own caution!-


_Lelouch's POV:_

You are happy for your sister when she announces that she is engaged to be married. Or at least you pretend to be because the person she's engaged to is your best friend and the man that you have fallen in love with. The thought of them together made you want to vomit yet you knew that this would be right for the both of them — to be happy together.

Around six months later, you get an invite to their wedding three months from then and you almost throw your invite into the open fire that you were sitting beside. But you don't and you grudgingly accept their invite and steel yourself for the worst moment of your life. The moment that you have to watch the man that you love get married to your sister is the moment you started planning on what your next course of action is.

** xoxoxoxox**

Later that night, you get a call from your best friend and the man you've fallen for, asking with a cheerful tone, "Did you get the invite to the wedding?" And you say you did and that you'd be there to support them. You say something funny and his laugh echoes from the other side and you hear him beckon your sister over to talk to you.

You tell him no but it is too late and you and her are talking; rather, she is babbling on and on while you listen, only giving her half hearted and half conscious responses. Then, she asks you, "Since he's too shy, we're wondering if you'd like to be his best man?" This shocks you to the core and after a minute or two, she calls your name and you quickly tell her, "Give me some time," and hang up before she could answer.

You don't answer any of their calls and decline to meet with them for the next three weeks - locked up in your solitude and anguish. During those three weeks of recluse, you down a very expensive bottle of Russian vodka that your parents had gotten for your twenty-first birthday a couple years back.

Up until now, you didn't have a reason to drink it but now…

… You did and now intend to make a good use of it.

** x****oxoxoxox**

Time passes and it is the day of their wedding and it hurts, pretending to be happy when you really want to die on the inside. You watch as they kiss and they are announced husband and wife; this makes your stomach twist painfully but all you can do is smile and pretend to be happy.

You're his best friend. aren't you?

Later on, you manage to slip away to a private room and the first thing you do is vomit onto the nearest object — which happen to be a very expensive dark red velvet couch. The image of them looking happy together is ingrained into your head and makes you nauseous every time you think about it. And every time they kiss, it makes you want to blow your brains out.

Your date, Shirley, who happens to know about your situation and your affection towards your best friend, shows up and comes to comfort you the best she can. You appreciate it and her company very much so; if she wasn't already dating your other friend, Rivalz, you would have dated her — then you wouldn't be feeling this anguish. She suggests some wine to forget this and excuses herself to get some for the two of you.

Once she is gone, you pull out a pen and paper you stored in your pocket and began to write down a message for someone to find...

_****To Suzaku,****_

_**I am being selfish when I say that I love you, Suzaku. In the way that Euphemia loves you but you would never like me that way. I have tried for a long time to stifle these feelings of love I held for you but things have gotten to the point where I can't handle my erratic emotions. I'm sorry but please, take care of Euphemia and Nunnally for me - if you don't, I won't ever forgive you.**_

_****Goodbye,****_

_**Lelouch vi Britannia****  
**_

Shakily, you set the letter down on the desk beside the couch and take out the gun hidden in your coat pocket. You press it to your head and don't hear wine glasses drop as Shirley screamed for you to stop. But all you see is black as it engulfs your vision and a brief flicker of pain as your life ceases.

And you die, on the couch in the room of the reception hall, during your best friend's wedding day with a smile on your face, knowing that your pain is over.

** x****oxoxoxox**

_Suzaku's POV:_

You are in shock when you hear that your best man (and best friend), shot himself in a room outside of the reception hall. As is your new wife, who is holding onto Nunnally and they both sob uncontrollably at the loss of their elder brother as you stand beside them. Shirley tells you that she had went to go get some wine and when she returned, he had shot himself in the head in front of her.

Rivalz is holding his girlfriend tight against him, doing his best to comfort the girl who lost one of her closest friends that she couldn't do anything about. You notice that Shirley has a folded paper in her coat pocket and are curious as to what it was. You don't ask her for it as you move to kneel beside your wife and sister-in-law and try to comfort them as much as you can.

As you comfort them, you are wondering why your friend killed himself in the first place.

** x****oxoxoxox**

About two weeks following the death of your best friend, you sit between your wife and your sister in law at his funeral. His mother sits closest to his CASKET, hiding her face in the shoulder of Lelouch's step father, Jeremiah, who holds her tight against his body as she fought hard not to cry. One hand is holding Nunnally's hand and the other is around your wife's shoulder as she sobs against it, listening to Shirley give a eulogy on your best friend.

It still puzzles and baffles you on why your best friend since childhood committed suicide during the reception of your wedding. It was supposed to be a happy day but it turned out to be one of tragedy and nothing went as he wanted it to. The only things on your mind is:

_Why did your best friend, out of the blue, kill himself?_

_Was he depressed about something that he couldn't tell anyone?_

If that was the case, his best friend could of came to you and talked about it but he didn't and it is too late to ask him. After her eulogy, and a few words from the priest, they move to bury him in the Britannia family mausoleum, where his father is buried. As you watch his casket as it is lowered into the ground, you fight back the tears that threatened to fall from your eyes.

Your best friend is dead and you knew you could have done something but you didn't and this was the end result.

** x****oxoxoxox**

Seven months later, things progressed slowly but you notice that your wife is no longer sulking but smiling a lot more and being a lot more sociable. You're happy that she is slowly coming to terms with it and knew that she would be her bubbly, charming self soon enough. You hide your pain very well — the loss of your best friend, a man you considered your brother you wish you had… it hurt very much.

One morning, as your wife goes to visit your mother in law, Shirley comes by with a letter addressed to you and a sad smile on her lips. She doesn't say anything but you didn't need to be told anything to know it was for you from his dead best friend. You take it, thank her and promise to give her a call a bit later and before she leaves, you notice two things about her.

That she has a engagement on her finger and a slight bump in her stomach and you can't help but smile and think to yourself, _'Congratulations, you two. You guys deserve this.'_ When you are alone, in your bedroom, you sit down on the edge of your bed and unfold the letter. What doesn't shock you is the small bits of blood spattered on it but the contents of the letter.

Suddenly, everything made sense and you cup a hand over your mouth, fighting back the vomit and the words screamed at you in your head…

You caused your best friend to kill himself because you couldn't realize that he was in love with you and couldn't stand seeing you so happy with his sister and not him!

_…_

_…_

_**YOU DID THIS TO HIM!**_


End file.
